In Loving Memory

My grandmother who lived with us had been sick for some time. Due to her numerous years of smoking she had developed what is known as COPD. Over the last year, her health had deteriorated rapidly to the point that she was in the hospital more than she was at home. Then on June 20th, 2008 we received the phone call that many, even if they are expecting it, fear.

But this is not how I want to remember her, in pain and loss of independence. No, she should not be remembered this way. To us grandchildren, she will be remembered as "Memah," but to my daughter, niece and nephew she will always be remembered as "GG."

This is now an awkward time, a time where grieving is less but at moments so powerful that the loss seems almost unbearable. People who have lost loved ones have said, "It will get better with time." I'm just afraid that with time, her memory will be forgotten.

My daughter is 3 years old and I believe that she still remembers GG, but she is now refusing to even say her name. I am expecting in March and this little one will never know her. I know I'm not the only one who has lost a grandparent, but how do you not forget?

Her birthday was September 24th, we talked about doing something because of my 3 year old daughter. Regrettably, September 24th was another day on the calendar. Now, with the holidays just around the corner, there will be an empty chair. Although it had been emptied for some time even before her death, there is a more finality to it.

As time goes on, her death will seem more real and permanent. I'm afraid I will forget her, that my daughter will forget her GG.

So for now on, I will check my depressing thoughts at the "delete" key and only record the memories of a Mother, Memah, and GG.

In the end she was in so much pain that I could not bring myself to visit her, but that is not how I want to remember her anyways. I want remember her eyes as they lit up when my daughter would come into the room. For she was GG's heart, and GG's will to live in those final days on this earth.

And I know that now she is no longer in any pain, for she is with the King. One day, I will join her, but for now I choose to live and to cherish each moment I am given.